The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
