I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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