I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You may now shotgun with the bride
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
