I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
