Your face is a jimmy john
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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