Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
