im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I didn't notice because vodka
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
