it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Less talking, more tequila
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
