Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
