I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i think i just lost a toe
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
