Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
