the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
