Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
