the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
