She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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