he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need to calm my uterus...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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