Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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