I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
