So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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