dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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