I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
