You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
