after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
