this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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