You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
ok first of all what the fuck
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
