9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Randomize
