CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
