I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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