all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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