i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
