he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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