I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
