Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
