Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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