I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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