I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
