Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
