Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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