Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
