Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
