so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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