wanna go halves on a baby?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
sex in a hospital.. check
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
