When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
