put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
