Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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