My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i dont even know how to be here
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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