I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
