I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
