There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's shark week go big or go home
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
