God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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