If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just had sex bonerless
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
