Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
