My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
