I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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