Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
