My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
