guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
