Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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