Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
